Today decided to just drop by and read my own blog. One year later and I'm still having the problem with guys. I'm really tired. I don't know whether it's my problem or I'm just too hard on myself.
This time it's about another guy. A guy I met in Tinder and we have lots of mutual friends. The moment he left high school and at the same time I joined that school. Maybe that's already the first sign saying we don't have the fate to be together. I'm not sure why I'm so confident about him, but somehow I can feel he could be a good guy though he smoke, drinks, has tattoos and do drugs. I don't really mind you see. I'm not sure why, maybe deep down these kind of things don't bother me that much. But the problem is no one understand why it doesn't bother me, even for him.
Have you ever been in a situation where u have always been surrounded by people who doesn't portray who you are but u just pretend to be so u can blend in? So you just gonna accept what others approved or recognize as 'good for you'. You just gonna settle with something less. One day you met this someone who is like you and you thought finally! Someone like that may one day be in my life. He may be totally different with people around you, but deep down you are totally different from others too just like him. You have concealing your quirks, weirdness, your dark side and all of your true self until you met him, someone who has the same wildness, same craziness, same dark side as you. He approached you, telling you about the future we gonna share. That moment you thought someone at last would understand and love you for who you are. But one day he told you that you deserve someone better. Someone who are like those people around you. Someone 'just like you'. Said he's no good for your. So does that mean I'm not good for myself too? Ironic isn't it?
Why is it always me who get hurt? Though I have been with his just a couple of weeks, but it feels like forever. He's totally out from my requirement of my man but it's just weird how drawn I am to him. He's not tall, he's younger by a few months, he's not a 'good' man but somehow, there's something in him that I'm adore. His passion. His dream. His perspective of life. Just like mine. Aligned.
I really wish he will come back and look for me. But right now, I really have to let go and move on. I haven't been myself lately. Been posting emotional stuff in Instagram and FB. That's not healthy at all! I need to stop. So I have to let go. All I can do now and pray hard to God, please bring him back to me. By my side.
Dear God, if you could hear me. Please help me. Please bring him back to my side. I do love him. I really do. Whole-heartedly. I will still put all my heart on him. Willingly. I still believe in love. I still believe in myself. I believe I won't see the wrong person. I have faith in him and myself too.
Dear God, Please.
