Dear Diary,
I am lost. So lost. I do not know what I really want right now! Surprising much? Haha. I do not know whether I like him (Muan) or not. Maybe I felt too empty inside me and wanted to feel love. I am in a deep shit mess right now. All I can think of is if I live with Ann, I get to see him and if I live with my friends in city, I most likely will not see him again. This actually put me in a dilemma. People told me he is not good for me and I just follow, unfortunately I now realised that the practical and reality part of me is telling me, I did a good job turning him down but my heart says that he can give me what I want. Who am I kidding right now? I am stranded in the middle of no where. Ming doesn't want me, yet and Muan has just made up his mind that he doesn't cares about me anymore. I am so selfish. I wanted someone to care about me but I do not really care about him. It's not that I don't care about him at all, it's just that I don't care that much like he did to me.
Maybe this is karma, but what on earth have I done to deserve this karma. Abbey has been being a whore for years but she still gets the good ones and I only enjoying one, and I had my karma. How great is that?? Huh? What have I done exactly? Why things have to be so hard on me? I can really ask this question for hours and still will not get an answer. Seriously! What have I done to deserve this? Yes, I admit. I may be a realistic person and love money so much, but this is not a crime! Yes, I may steal things once in a while, but I still do not deserve this. Yes, I may be rude to my parents but deep down I care and love them so much. However, I still do not deserve this shit!!!!
God, please do not punish me this why for what I have done in past. Just kill me. Let me just hit by a car and let me die. I do not want to suffer like this. This is a torture! I would rather die than suffering this punishment. It's really torturing me!! Please God, I wanted to end this so badly. All I wanted is to be proud of myself, my husband and the choice that I made. I wanted my parents to be proud of me! Is that really that hard?? If it is, please do not give me hope anymore. Just crash them. Having hopes and losing them, it's torturing. They eat me up, alive!! I have been crying and crying for asking "WHY ME!!!!"
Why God, why??? What have I done!!!! I am fat and this is not enough for the punishment? What else do I have to suffer? Having a bad relationship? Got divorce? Got raped? Got knocked up and the guy doesn't wants the baby? Die alone? God, just give me a hint on what punishment will I get in future and I make sure I will be ready for it.
Alright, enough with the morbid stuff. I am a happy kid. I have a happy family. I am grateful that I have parents who love me and gave me a happy and comfortable life. All I have to do is to make choices of my life and face the consequences of the choices I have made. Remember Ying Pin, LAW OF ATTRACTION! Happy things will come to be when I am optimistic. Remember, when I spend 1 minute to be angry or unhappy, I just lost 60 seconds of my happiness. Be happy and everything will be fine. He is not that good, u deserve a better one. :) I will have a husband who is smart and enthusiastic. A husband who can give me a better life than I am having now. A husband who can give me Gucci, Bvlgari, LV, Prada, Chanel and anything that you can name. A husband who works internationally. A good and loving husband. I believe in it and I have faith in it. I deserve a life that I always wanted.
Btw, Ming is having exams for his licence in Hong Kong. Wish him luck.. :) He has to resit 2 papers. :( But he passed one!!! :D
Examiners, please go easy on him... :D
Signed off,
My Voice.
