I seriously don't know what to do, I tried not to think about him. I remembered the day I saw him, I was like, "OMG, this is my chance to get to know him and make a good impression." After having a conversation with him, I felt hopeless, there is no way he will like me cause he must think I'm stupid and a guy like him definitely will not like a girl like me. No hope.
But my mum asked me to add him, which I also intended to do at that time and I did. After that, we chatted and things goes pretty well. I remember he seems to be very pleased to chat with me as he always says, " will chat to you tomorrow." when we said goodbye. I remember this vividly because I finally get someone who is looking forward to chat with me, and this means that he likes to chat with me (I think). I also remember that there was one time that he asked me out for dinner, but unfortunately he has works to do and travel to China, so we didn't end up going out for dinner. When he came back, he still remember that we had a appointment or shall I say a "date", and he apologized for not being able to make it. Honestly speaking, I was very excited and extremely happy that he asked me out. I thought, finally, he thinks about me and we might end up together. I was very happy till I can't get into my sleep. Seriously. I was literally smiling when I was sleeping on that day.
After the "unable to make it date", I said my computer is spoiled and it really is. He insisted that he wanted to help me to check on my computer, so I did go, my parents were so happy about that, and when I was at his house, we chatted, watch his don't know what kind of videos and basically I had fun. (I don't know whether he felt that way too, but I assumed he had)
Day after day, months after months, finally I had the gut to ask him out (not directly, just indirectly) for a movie, it was on the May. Before the day we went for the movie, we went out for dinner because I wanted to give him my homemade rice dumpling, and he did something that never comes to my mind. He actually grabbed my waist and push me to the front just to ask me to look at the menu of the restaurant. At that moment, I felt like I had a boyfriend with me, but too bad he's not. We chatted again and laughed. I also remember that that he actually poke people, literally poke. The next day, we went for movie and that was the first and only last time he gave me his jacket and literally put it on me. That was the moment I felt he's cute because after he gave me his jacket, he was actually shivering and of course I take the jacket and shared. He is such a gentlemen, I think. After the movie, he grabbed my waist for a while, while we are walking to the exit because he wanted to push me to the front as he opens the door for me. I totally felt like a lady and that was the moment I really wanted him to be my boyfriend. But of course, as a lady, I can't ask him, therefore, I can only wait and hope.
After the movie, we went for another the next week and also for the following weeks. But this is not I remember the most, the moment that is really precious to me is that when he asked me out again for dinner right after I worked. I was happy, of course. We went out for two to three times, I can't really remember. I did a lot of things just to impress him.
After God knows when, our "relationship" starts to tear apart. He stop calling me from MSN Messenger, he always does when we first met for some time, and I will have to say "hi" to him first after that. I really felt aimless at that time, I kept asking myself what had I done wrong? Did he not like my character or my personality? Did I acted too boyish when I was with him? Did I say something stupid until he thinks that I'm not up to his standard? or he just simply thinks that I'm annoying and does not want to talk to me anymore? I was miserable but I tell myself not to be beaten down by my own fantasy with him.
But when I tried to ignore his ignorance, I tend to be afraid that we might get even apart. So, eventually I will suck it up and make the first move to talk to him. He always seems to be very busy. I don't know why. This kept me thinking again; did he just pretend that he's busy just to ignore me, or is he really that busy? I really don't know. Right now, he's in London and he claimed that he was very busy lately. God knows what is he busy about. When I asked him what do he does over there actually, because as I am concern, his works are all in China, but he didn't reply me, he went offline instead. I really tried to hold my tears at that time. I kept telling myself that he does not worth my tears. Even though he is my dream man, but if he does not appreciate me, that's his lost not mine.
Unfortunately, I can't help it. Every time I pass by his area, I will think of him. Every time I saw something or even heard something about China or UK, I will think of him. Even when I saw some things I like, I will think of him, that was because I can imagine that things bought by the person you like is a blissful thing to have. Almost every time I think about him, even when I am looking at the computer. What is wrong with me??? Am I falling in love??? Please tell me I'm not, this really hurts very bad. This is where I hated the most. When I was 17, I fall in love with some guy but I didn't hurt so much because I'm still underage (that's was my excuses but it does works), but now, I'm 20!!! I am officially date-able. I can date at this age now!!!!
Sometimes I really felt sorry for myself for knowing him, but on the other side, I'm glad. So, shall I be glad or sorry???
Dear Diary, can you please tell me what shall I do to get rid of this misery???? What shall I do???
Signed off,
My Voice
