24/10/2010

He had not been online for two weeks, I think, or even longer... I'm worried, plus angry, plus clueless... Why he's not online!!!! Why???? Did he just vanish like that, or he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Or he just stop using MSN Messenger, like he told me before, but without telling me that he really stop using it!!!! Or maybe I think too much.. He just busy and has no time to go online, but a person who loves computer so much can stnad for not going online for weeks??? These kind of things will never happens. I miss him so much!!!! I wonder where is he right now. Is he still in London or had gone to China?

This is a torture. Not knowing what has happened??? Doesnt know what he thinks of me?? These thoughts really killing me alive. Maybe he accidentally read this blog and he found out things that he does not wish to happen between us, so he just decided to cut me off his life.. If this is so, I pray to God. Please give me the strenght to let go of the thoughts of having a boyfriend beside me, having a family and kids with the guy I adore, and the phobia of being alone for the rest of my life. Please just retain my thoughts when I was 13. A thought that prevent me to have all these fantasy thoughts. A thought that gave me low self esteem when I was 13, a thought that made me thought that I do not worth to be loved and I have no right to love anyone. A thought that made me thought that its best to left me all alone and I have no chance to experince love. A thought that made me felt that I am too ugly to be look at and made me felt bad about myself in anyway.

I'm really really tired and exhausted thinking that I am pretty now and I'm worth to be loved. I really am. I really wish love does not exist. I really do.

God, please give me the strenght to forget about what love is. Please. I'm willing to sacrifice to give away love. It's better to left me emotionless..

Signed off,

My voice