31/1/11

Dear Diary,

He finally got back and we went out last Monday (24/1/11) and he stopped msn with me after that. He totally went offline. Does that means that he doesn't want to see me or he is just busy? This really troubled me. I miss him so much. I'm going to fly to UK this Friday (5/2/11) and tomorrow is the last day I can meet him again. I messaged him and asked whether he is free tomorrow, but he didn't reply me back. Did he went back to China or he is just really that busy afther his dad came back here? If he really got back to China, this means that he doesn't like me as he does not even care to inform me.

I miss him so so much. I feel like hugging him so so tightly. How can I make this stop? How can I stop thinking about him? I just want to see him, I don't mind if he didn't like me as long as he is beside me most of the time. Once a week is enough, I'm not asking for more. God!! Why do you have to treat me like this. Eventhough sometimes I fight back with my mum but that's all the worst sin I made. What makes me deserve this kind of torture?? Why? Why me??

I really wanted to say I MISS YOU!!!!

Dear Diary, what should I do?

Signed off,

My voice

13/11/10

Dear Diary,

All I wanted to say now is....

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I felt so lost right now.... so so lost.... Why do I have to suffer like this!!!!!!! I had enough of this torture !!!!!!!

Signed off,

My voice

黃小琥 沒那麼簡單

黃小琥 沒那麼簡單

詞:姚若龍 曲:蕭煌奇

沒那麼簡單 就能找到 聊得來的伴
尤其是在 看過了那麼多的背叛
總是不安 只好強悍
誰謀殺了我的浪漫

沒那麼簡單 就能去愛 別的全不看
變得實際 也許好也許壞各一半
不愛孤單 一久也習慣
不用擔心誰 也不用被誰管

感覺快樂就忙東忙西
感覺累了就放空自己
別人說得話 隨便聽一聽 自己做決定
不想擁有太多情緒
一杯紅酒配電影
在週末晚上 關上了手機 舒服窩在沙發裡

相愛沒有那麼容易 每個人有他的脾氣
過了愛作夢的年紀 轟轟烈烈不如平靜
幸福沒有那麼容易 才會特別讓人著迷
什麼都不懂的年紀
曾經最掏心 所以最開心 曾經

沒那麼簡單 就能去愛 別的全不看
變得實際 也許好也許壞各一半
不愛孤單 一久也習慣
不用擔心誰 也不用被誰管

感覺快樂就忙東忙西
感覺累了就放空自己
別人說得話 隨便聽一聽 自己做決定
不想擁有太多情緒
一杯紅酒配電影
在週末晚上 關上了手機 舒服窩在沙發裡

相愛沒有那麼容易 每個人有他的脾氣
過了愛作夢的年紀 轟轟烈烈不如平靜
幸福沒那麼容易 才會特別讓人著迷
什麼都不懂的年紀
曾經最掏心 所以最開心 曾經

相愛沒有那麼容易 每個人有他的脾氣
過了愛作夢的年紀 轟轟烈烈不如平靜
幸福沒那麼容易 才會特別讓人著迷
什麼都不懂的年紀
曾經最掏心 所以最開心 曾經
想念最傷心 但卻最動心 的記憶

This song has precisely sing out my feeling right now... Maybe I shall give up finding my soul mate.... Maybe....

25/10/2010

He is back online!!!! but I didn't make a move to talk to him, knowing he's fine is good enough.. ^.^ Maybe he's busy since he appear 'away' in his status. ^.^ (self comforting)

However, today another assignment has given to me and has to pass up on 3rd November 2010. Haiz, so tired. On 12th November I will have to pass up tender documents with calculation for IP (Integrated Project) and report for ES (environmental science). EXHAUSTED!!!!! Have to study for exam!!!! Finals on 23th and 24th of November!!!
Wish me luck... ^.^

Signed off,

My voice

24/10/2010

He had not been online for two weeks, I think, or even longer... I'm worried, plus angry, plus clueless... Why he's not online!!!! Why???? Did he just vanish like that, or he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Or he just stop using MSN Messenger, like he told me before, but without telling me that he really stop using it!!!! Or maybe I think too much.. He just busy and has no time to go online, but a person who loves computer so much can stnad for not going online for weeks??? These kind of things will never happens. I miss him so much!!!! I wonder where is he right now. Is he still in London or had gone to China?

This is a torture. Not knowing what has happened??? Doesnt know what he thinks of me?? These thoughts really killing me alive. Maybe he accidentally read this blog and he found out things that he does not wish to happen between us, so he just decided to cut me off his life.. If this is so, I pray to God. Please give me the strenght to let go of the thoughts of having a boyfriend beside me, having a family and kids with the guy I adore, and the phobia of being alone for the rest of my life. Please just retain my thoughts when I was 13. A thought that prevent me to have all these fantasy thoughts. A thought that gave me low self esteem when I was 13, a thought that made me thought that I do not worth to be loved and I have no right to love anyone. A thought that made me thought that its best to left me all alone and I have no chance to experince love. A thought that made me felt that I am too ugly to be look at and made me felt bad about myself in anyway.

I'm really really tired and exhausted thinking that I am pretty now and I'm worth to be loved. I really am. I really wish love does not exist. I really do.

God, please give me the strenght to forget about what love is. Please. I'm willing to sacrifice to give away love. It's better to left me emotionless..

Signed off,

My voice

6/10/2010

Dear Diary,

I'm so sorry that I have disspoint you. I really can't control myself not hearing from him. Yesterday I made the first move again and try to cheer him up (like he needs it, but still), but he didn't reply any of my messages. Maybe he is really away from the computer. Haiz~~ Maybe I should forget about him. I shall accept the fact that we are impssible to be more than just a normal friend.

Today I think of him again. I just couldn't help it. He is like floating and wondering inside my mind. I seriously cannot get rid of him. I really like him. With him, I can feel that I'm really appreciated. I really wanted to take me as their special one. Just one is enough. I do not wish that there's a lot of guys come and court me. I just need one who is always there for me, and not a second not think of me. I wanted to feel in love!!!! God, please bless me...

Signed off,

My voice

5/10/2010

Dear Diary,

Today I think of him again. I am so uncontrollable. Once I sign into my MSN Messenger, the first thing I do is to find whether he is online or not. I'm very dissapointed on myself. Why can't I stop thinking about him? Why must I suffer like this? Why me? Everytime I read something, I think of him. When I read an article, I wanted to share with him. Then I will start to plot how and what to say about the article I read. Why???

Dear Diary,

Can you tell me what to do to move on?

Signed off,

My Voice