13/11/2011

Dear Diary,

I felt so lonely right now. Real lonely. I have been single for 21 years and nothing good comes to me. Why? All I want to question the God now is WHY? Did I do something wrong that is unforgivable? Am I that bad? Am I not worth it at all? Not even a slight chance for me to feel love? What have I done to deserve this? Please tell me and I will change. I do not want to be single anymore. I know I am not the best person in the world but I believe I'm not the worst either! Why? Why, God, Why? What makes me deserve this? Just tell me and I will change for whatever it takes. I need love. A love that is not from family but from someone who I can count on for the rest of my life. Is that really that hard to get love? Do I really have to live as spinster? I would rather be widow if that's the case. All I can do now is improve myself, upgrade myself to a better person. I'm hoping for the best, I guees.. :)

22/09/2011

Dear Diary,

I'm so sorry but I can only begin with this. Haizzzz... What am I suppose to do now? Does the God just gave me the hint that Ming and I do not have fate to be together? Haizzzz... Today he just told me he's coming back Malaysia on the Saturday and I'm going back tomorrow; today is Thursday by the way. What am I suppose to do now? What am I suppose to do!!!!!! I really don't know what is going on betwen us. Maybe I'm the only one who think too much. Maybe this is just a petty matter and I'm acting as if it is so big.

Dear Diary, what am I suppose to do? I really wanted to see him. I was thinking just now, just let me meet him for a day will be enough, PLEASE and now, no chance at all. I'm going back UK tmorrow and he's coming back Malaysia the day after me. Why on Earth will this kind of thing happens to me? WHY??? WHY WHY??? All I can ask now is WHY!!!!

Why God, WHY!!!! Haiz.. Now I wish he can change his flight and come back today so I can see him tonight or tomorrow. Just one more time. PLEASE... :'(

Signed off,

My Voice

05/09/2011

Dear Diary,

Just now Yi Ming just went online after weeks and unfortunately for me, I didn't make the move to chat with him and he went offline after that. Now it makes me wonder is it that he went offline because he saw me online? I'm feeling down right now, but also makes me want to see him and hug him so tight that I can feel his heart beat. Whenever I see his name, so many different feelings come to me. Woo Yi Ming. I miss him so so much. I wonder what is he up to right now. I really do miss him.

04/09/2011

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I went to Yi Ming's new house in Damansara Height and somehow it makes me feel down and I tend to think of him again. Now I am suffering and seriously my heart is in his hand. Why Diary? Why me? I can't figure him out and this makes me feel helpless. I don't know what to do. Should I give up this hope or should I keep holding on? This is not about the money his family has, but it was him I care the most. I have feelings for him but does he have the same way I felt for him? I like him. I love him. Why can't I met someone like him but abit normal than him? God, are you testing how long can I take this pressure? Please don't! I'm suffering right now. All I can say now is "we could have had it all"

This song express my current feeling. Rolling in the deep by Adele. The scars of your love, leave me breathless...

I love this part the most as it totally express out what I feel about him now:

The scars of your love remind me of us,

They keep mw thinking that we almost had it all.

The scars of your love, they leave me breathless,

I can't help feeling.

20/08/2011

I'm still called as 肥婆嫔... It's really depressing when u heard people saying this especially the person u trust the most, your mum. The words may just words, but to me it's more than word. It shows that you feel that way too. I don't really care much when other people tease me, but I really do care when she says it. It may be just words to her, but it's not to me.

19/07/2011

Dear Diary,

I am lost. So lost. I do not know what I really want right now! Surprising much? Haha. I do not know whether I like him (Muan) or not. Maybe I felt too empty inside me and wanted to feel love. I am in a deep shit mess right now. All I can think of is if I live with Ann, I get to see him and if I live with my friends in city, I most likely will not see him again. This actually put me in a dilemma. People told me he is not good for me and I just follow, unfortunately I now realised that the practical and reality part of me is telling me, I did a good job turning him down but my heart says that he can give me what I want. Who am I kidding right now? I am stranded in the middle of no where. Ming doesn't want me, yet and Muan has just made up his mind that he doesn't cares about me anymore. I am so selfish. I wanted someone to care about me but I do not really care about him. It's not that I don't care about him at all, it's just that I don't care that much like he did to me.

Maybe this is karma, but what on earth have I done to deserve this karma. Abbey has been being a whore for years but she still gets the good ones and I only enjoying one, and I had my karma. How great is that?? Huh? What have I done exactly? Why things have to be so hard on me? I can really ask this question for hours and still will not get an answer. Seriously! What have I done to deserve this? Yes, I admit. I may be a realistic person and love money so much, but this is not a crime! Yes, I may steal things once in a while, but I still do not deserve this. Yes, I may be rude to my parents but deep down I care and love them so much. However, I still do not deserve this shit!!!!

God, please do not punish me this why for what I have done in past. Just kill me. Let me just hit by a car and let me die. I do not want to suffer like this. This is a torture! I would rather die than suffering this punishment. It's really torturing me!! Please God, I wanted to end this so badly. All I wanted is to be proud of myself, my husband and the choice that I made. I wanted my parents to be proud of me! Is that really that hard?? If it is, please do not give me hope anymore. Just crash them. Having hopes and losing them, it's torturing. They eat me up, alive!! I have been crying and crying for asking "WHY ME!!!!"

Why God, why??? What have I done!!!! I am fat and this is not enough for the punishment? What else do I have to suffer? Having a bad relationship? Got divorce? Got raped? Got knocked up and the guy doesn't wants the baby? Die alone? God, just give me a hint on what punishment will I get in future and I make sure I will be ready for it.

Alright, enough with the morbid stuff. I am a happy kid. I have a happy family. I am grateful that I have parents who love me and gave me a happy and comfortable life. All I have to do is to make choices of my life and face the consequences of the choices I have made. Remember Ying Pin, LAW OF ATTRACTION! Happy things will come to be when I am optimistic. Remember, when I spend 1 minute to be angry or unhappy, I just lost 60 seconds of my happiness. Be happy and everything will be fine. He is not that good, u deserve a better one. :) I will have a husband who is smart and enthusiastic. A husband who can give me a better life than I am having now. A husband who can give me Gucci, Bvlgari, LV, Prada, Chanel and anything that you can name. A husband who works internationally. A good and loving husband. I believe in it and I have faith in it. I deserve a life that I always wanted.

Btw, Ming is having exams for his licence in Hong Kong. Wish him luck.. :) He has to resit 2 papers. :( But he passed one!!! :D

Examiners, please go easy on him... :D

Signed off,

My Voice.

23/05/11

Dear Diary,

Today I told another guy that I can't accept his adore and he told me I'm bullshitting. He said why didn't I told him at the first place when he asked me to be his girlfriend. Actually I too think is a bullshit. When he asked me whether I have anyone I'm secretly adore and I asnwer "No" when I'm still "waiting" for Woo Yi Ming to ask me.

I felt so bad for lying to him. I like his company but do not want him to be my companion. I'm so selfish. I have cheated someone's feeling because it just feels good when someone is wooing you. What a selfish jerk I am!!! I'm so sorry. I really wanted to apologies so badly to him. Now I can't bare to see his face even though I can't bare it since we met, but still, now is even worst. Maybe I shall do anything myself from now onwards.

Hoping for someone to help you without giving something to him?? This things will never happens to me. I just have to accept the fact that I'm not easy to go along with and I may be a spinster. Maybe I shall give up on LOVE.. This matter has indeed brought me quite a lot of pain. Should I lose me fate just for these two guys?? Maybe...

I know if I said living alone is not bad after all, is definitely a lie but I have no choice but to convince myself that it is indeed not bad. I'm so down right now. I have no idea what to do right now. Haiz...

Signed Off,

My Voice

1/3/2011

Dear Diary,

I have been in UK for almost a month now and I miss him so so much. Today I chatted with him and it's actually a such dissapointment. I just realised that I'm no different than other girl to him. Apparently, he does go out with girls, just a simple hang out. Nothing special. So, which means that I'm just some friend who he can hang out with alone. Definitely not a date. When he said he watched two movies in one day with a girl, plus, he enjoyed it, it seriously hits me. I thought the watching two movies in a row is our "thing". How stupid I am to think that way. It seriously hits me real hard, serious hard. When I saw "she", it was depressing... I wish I didn't ask if he goes there alone. Let me just assume he went there alone won't make me this miserable. I'm just some girl he knew... SOME GIRL!!! Can't imagine if he really says that, I don't know how to react to it. It's seriously a joke. I have been putting so many afford on this and now only let me found out at this moment of time? Maybe this is the God message of saying that he is not the one.

I don't know how I feel now. It's confusing. After knowing "I went out with HER", he asked me to have a descend dinner. Does this shows that he cares about me? ARGGH!!! I shouldn't have know him in the first place. His presence makes my life full of doubt, confuse, joy, tears and hope. Is it a good thing or not? I have no idea. It's like when ever I'm with him, its almost always full of dissapointment with a cherry on top. Bitter and sweet come together. I wish things can go easy on me. I just like him, as simple as that. I just want to hug him right now. But unfortunately, he is not mine. He is just a guy who I adore and hoping he is the answer to all my misery.

Signed off,

My Voice

31/1/11

Dear Diary,

He finally got back and we went out last Monday (24/1/11) and he stopped msn with me after that. He totally went offline. Does that means that he doesn't want to see me or he is just busy? This really troubled me. I miss him so much. I'm going to fly to UK this Friday (5/2/11) and tomorrow is the last day I can meet him again. I messaged him and asked whether he is free tomorrow, but he didn't reply me back. Did he went back to China or he is just really that busy afther his dad came back here? If he really got back to China, this means that he doesn't like me as he does not even care to inform me.

I miss him so so much. I feel like hugging him so so tightly. How can I make this stop? How can I stop thinking about him? I just want to see him, I don't mind if he didn't like me as long as he is beside me most of the time. Once a week is enough, I'm not asking for more. God!! Why do you have to treat me like this. Eventhough sometimes I fight back with my mum but that's all the worst sin I made. What makes me deserve this kind of torture?? Why? Why me??

I really wanted to say I MISS YOU!!!!

Dear Diary, what should I do?

Signed off,

My voice